Minnesota was a techno hot spot years ago but the brightest minds went West and now we’re the No. 1 producer of turkeys, high-strung birds with a teeny brain and enormous torso and fragile ankles who are prone to panic and in a thunderstorm. Google may be developing a robo-app called Gobble that can manage turkey breeding, and then the state will become a vast turkey concentration camp run from an underground control center, a hundred million birds auto-fed round-the-clock, a sedative added to prevent panic, which could result in a million birds with broken ankles. The turkeys’d be herded by bird dogs to the butchering mills to be gutted, defeathered, flavoring injected to make the meat taste turkeyish, and shrink-wrapped for market.
One of these days, you’ll read that Minnesota has been bought by Amazon, twenty thousand square miles of turkeys, run by a couple hundred truck drivers and four mathematicians. During busy times, truckloads of undocumented Canadians will come over the border to do the butchering and hatch the eggs. Minneapolis, St. Paul, Duluth, and Rochester will survive, the small towns will disappear, and Jeff Bezos will have two seats in the U.S. Senate.
