Post to the Host

Comments from the week of 09.17.21

Apropos of your comment about being suspicious of Twain: I once had a section in my library I called “narrative humor,” which contained every work written by you, Mark Twain, Robert Benchley, Groucho Marx (a few books), and S.J. Perelman (a lot of books), among others. I have taken pity on my daughters and given them all away to a good home, even though I never grew suspicious of any of them, including Twain. To paraphrase: a man who has grown suspicious of Twain has grown suspicious of life.

Paul Schindler

Glad to know that Sam has loyal friends. You did the right thing in behalf of your daughters, though I think you should give them a chance to read some Perelman so they can appreciate the beauty of a long twisting sentence. E.g. “I guess I’m just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation’s laws.” Only one man could’ve written that, Sid Perelman. I met him once before a reading at which I was to introduce him and he was not the acerbic wit he was on the page, he was very kind.

GK

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Hi, Garrison.

I thought you might appreciate a friend of mine’s non-rhyming limerick …

There was a young man from Dundee,
Who was stung on the leg by a wasp,
He was asked “did it hurt?”
He replied “no, not at all,
it can do it again if it wants to.”

Enjoyed your show, books, and writings for many years. Don’t stop.

Andrew Lang, Australia

I would rework it to rhyme, if you don’t mind.

A shy young man from Dundee
Was stung by a wasp on the knee.
The sting didn’t hurt
And this young introvert
Is now wild and free as can be.

Or we could make it Andrew Lang who liked to dance while he sang and he’d shimmy and bop and dance without stop a wop-bop-a-lop lang-a-shang.

GK

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I really thought your response to Mr. Ryan was woefully inappropriate. Here was a fan of yours that you basically squashed like a bug. I am sorry you present as so unhappy and miserable. In this day and age, a little bit less of this would be appreciated.

Pam Kennedy

Sorry you took it that way. Mr. Ryan was offering me an old poster from my show and I was telling him straight out that I don’t collect my own memorabilia. I don’t have old show posters and pictures of myself hanging on the walls. None. I am far from unhappy and miserable. I’m a lucky man and I well know it. But the man lives not far from me and seemed to be on the verge of driving over and giving me a large poster and I needed to spare him the trouble.

GK

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GK,

In Sept. 20 “Post to the Host” you said, in passing, “All I know is what I read in the newspaper.” Was this an homage (like that word?) to Will Rogers? Dave Barry, using the first-person plural appropriate for a history textbook, writes that Rogers “used to do an act where he’d twirl a lasso and absolutely slay his audiences with such wry observations as: \”The only thing I know is what I read in the papers.\” Ha-ha! Get it? Neither do we. Must have been something he did with the lasso.”

However, in your writing, without a lasso, it gets a smile.

Bob Martin

I don’t think it’s a punchline, Bob, more of an aside, slightly self-deprecating. Dave got it wrong. But when Will said, “There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by readin’. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” People laughed. At least the men did.

GK

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Re: Women, Don’t Read This. Well of course we’re going to read it. If you guys aren’t whooping and hollering anymore that’s not on us ladies. Go whoop and holler. I hope you find fabulous things to whoop and holler about. Laughter resets the brain and clears out the tear ducts. GO FIND SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT.

The Taliban is back to its old tricks, giving girls and women grief about using their brains. I consider it my duty as a 21st-century female to do anything I possibly can to live a gloriously full life. And laugh a lot.

And so should you guys. Laugh, become a farrier, learn Swedish, go see an action movie, sing a song. The cabbie and the DQ guy know the Seven Dwarves had it right: whistle while you work. And if you can’t, change jobs.

Judy in Kentucky

Thank you for the encouragement. I don’t blame women for dampening the American sense of humor but I do think its evident that in official circles, at school and work and church and in organizations, people have become careful about the exercise of irony and wry comment. Jokes can be told between close friends but otherwise people tend to stifle themselves. Political correctness is rather intense in certain circles and there is a wariness that I don’t recall from ten or twenty years ago. Women friends of mine agree about this. What’s to be done? Nothing. And you didn’t hear me say what I just said. I deny everything.

GK

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“That genius and this suicidal impulse were somehow intertwined.” I think Socrates said something like, nothing great enters this world without a curse. What do you think?

I missed the step from being a sportswriter to getting your radio show. How did that happen, and how old were you?

My last question has to do with that limerick that you came up with when you had the Poet Laureate on Prairie Home Companion years ago. It seemed to me that you felt that YOU should have been our Poet Laureate and that you were showing off in front of this guy to kind of intimidate him. Was that off the top of your head? I guess not …

Jon Obester

Jon, the Poet Laureate was my friend Billy Collins and the limerick was a small gift, nothing compared to his verse, which is really miraculous and funny. I was a sportswriter in the 9th grade and it was about twelve years later I did the radio show. I don’t buy the Socrates notion of genius and self-destruction intertwined, and I can think of many happy geniuses including Einstein, Rubinstein, Bernstein, Jule Styne, Bruce Springsteen, Stan Freberg, Winston Churchill, and Stonewall Jackson. I could name others.

GK

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I am a Canadian.

I am sorry for all the mistakes our ancestors made with immigrant and indigenous peoples in our past. We must learn from those mistakes and move on. Our children cannot be held hostage for the mistakes of others.

I am a guy, but I am sorry we cannot show more of a feminine side and rise to the expectations of women today. We were born who we are.

I am sorry there are so many armchair experts who diminish those who are in the know. Maybe if they got the facts, they would respect expertise for what it is.

I am sorry for all the travesties many of our immigrants have endured to get to Canada today. With so many needing help in the world, we are doing our best, given the constant demand and overwhelming expectations.

I am sorry for the politicians of all stripes who commit to public life with all the best of intentions, only to be smeared by social media with no accountability or cowardly cheap shots and no solutions themselves.

I am sorry for the racist comments which are viewed as systemic. They do not represent the silent majority but seem to garner the sensational attention of the media.

I am sorry that reconciliation is taking so long. But Heh, no one knows what it looks like so we do not know when we get there, but we will give it a fair shot.

Maybe, as a Canadian, I should stand up for all the good things guys do and represent and move forward with confidence hoping that goodness will prevail

Sorry, but that it’s the way I see it.

Douglas Leatherdale

Good to have you join us, sir, and thanks for having your say. Down here we tend to idealize Canadians since you are above us on the map and it’s a little alarming to hear you apologize, it makes me sorry for the jokes I’ve told such as a line a few weeks ago, “There are no great Canadian shortstops,” but so be it. Have a good winter up there.

GK

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Dear Mr. Keillor,

Living on the East Coast, we had access to NY PHC shows, but now that we are on the West Coast (Oregon, specifically) we never see you anymore (the list of shows below is tough for us old folks). We did see you once in Portland, once in Eugene, and once in Seattle, but those shows were all years ago. We’d so love to see you out our way again. We’d even take you out to dinner if you came to town.

Jeanne and David Beck

I’ve heard rumors that I’m supposed to go to Bend in the spring, perhaps with the Hopeful Gospel Quartet. We’ll see if it comes true. At any rate, I’m planning a little burst of touring over the winter and spring before I turn 80 and they send me to the Home.

GK

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Dear Garrison Far Left Keillor,

I enjoyed reading The Story of My Life revised. It was iconic you. It filled me with wonder just as you have done for me for 30+ years ... but then ... you obliterate the story by injecting a far-left stereotype of a Trump supporter (there are 85 million). What happened to you? You used to inspire us. You used to give us a window into the possibilities of what life has to offer all of us. Now you make it your mission to degrade, insult, and mock hardworking conservative Americans who love freedom and the American dream. Those who live by the constitution. Those who exercise their right to defend themselves rather than “sit and wait” for an intruder while not brushing their teeth as you put it. It’s amazing to watch one of my heroes degenerate into a bitter old man crying for attention any way he can get it. Even if it means attacking his own fan base. Maybe you should get a job in the current administration. Perhaps a position could be created. Maybe Poet Tzar. Lord knows you’re qualified.

Lee

I am trying to guess which of my Democrat pals wrote this parody letter to try to yank my string. The column in question never mentioned Mr. Trump and was hardly an “attack,” more like a nudge. But really, the Trumpers I know are smarter than this and know their man well and are aware of his shortcomings and know he is no conservative. Talk to George F. Will about that. I am not “crying for attention,” you are paying attention, and the thing for you to do is tune in Sean Hannity and learn how to write a better fake complaint. Good luck.

GK

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Dear Garrison,

Your fondness for limericks is commendable. However, rewriting another’s limerick simply because it didn’t make sense to you may be a bit over the top, but who am I to judge? I admit freely that I occasionally pen a limerick that may, or may not, make perfect sense when parsed by an English major (my own field of study in college was psychology, which I put to good use as a bartender), but always gives me a chuckle — the primary goal of my efforts. Here’s the most recent, which you are free to critique and/or improve upon however inspiration might move you.

Vax Acts or
Two Large Nuts Make Three of a Kind

Star Nicki tweeted out in rapper patois:
My cousin’s friend had an unpleasant aha
’Cause getting a vax
Blew up both his sacs
Now we’re stuck with this viral Minaj à trois

Best to you and your admirably patient wife,

Rick Blum, Bedford, Mass.

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I read that Garrison went to a restaurant and a concert recently. He’s probably vaccinated but lately, I just hear stories of people getting really sick or dying from COVID here in the cities. I just think a man his age shouldn’t do that right now. Get takeout and watch some music on YouTube.

A concerned follower. 

I did go to a restaurant in downtown St. Paul and then to a concert by Heather Masse that was absolutely astounding and brilliant, a tall woman with a string bass singing killer blues. I’ll go to the Twins game Sunday. Here in Minneapolis, as in New York, most people are vaccinated. What’s life without taking a risk now and then?

GK

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Dear Mr. Keillor,

You were my gateway to storytelling. I’ve listened to Lake Wobegon tales since high school in northern Michigan. I love how you weave localisms into your work. It’s so believable! I’m pretty sure. Now I’ve finished my first novel. 

The title of my book is Despite the Buzz. It’s set in a high school classroom, and the teacher takes a hard look at technology’s toll upon language, attention, relationships, safety, and well-being. A writing teacher draws attention to the importance of reflection and conscientiousness within today’s media-influenced world. Dialogue drives the human-interest story as do some timely causes I think we both care about. Thanks for being you. 

Sincerely,
Tamara Miller Davis

This sounds like a good idea though I’m somewhat leery of setting a novel in a classroom, for fear it’ll be from the teacher’s point of view and turn into a lecture. I know how deadly that can be because I was sometimes guilty of turning the Lake Wobegon story into an essay. Make something surprising happen. Perhaps the teacher suffers a concussion that makes her/him interrupt himself/herself and say something from the deep unconscious. I don’t know. Amuse yourself. All the best to you.

GK

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Hello Garrison,

Thought you might be interested in this new CD release of Swedish songs.

https://www.archeophone.com/catalogue/swede-home-chicago/

Thank you for all you do. Much appreciated.

Paul Young
(Inaugural PHC Cruiser)

A lovely collection. I remember hearing “Ack, Värmeland” sung by an old tenor like that at a Svenskarnas Dag celebration and “Kristin’s Vals” too. I must buy a copy for my wife whose grandparents came from Sweden.

GK

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Dear Garrison Keillor,

I have thought of you for years as one of the most thoughtful and erudite of Americans, so it was with shock and dismay that I, in your latest column, read:

“I was an English major, which gives you no useful knowledge, only a superior attitude.”

If we have a superior attitude, it is certainly well deserved. After all, the textbook of an English major is the English dictionary, which contains all other texts within it. (And let’s face it, you might know all about the thermal expansion of your new alloy, and its applications in civil engineering, but you need an English major to explain it to your investors.) We also use The Elements of Style regularly and being stylish always gives you an edge.

Furthermore, given the state of the bee population right now, and their vital place in the Web of Life, not to mention overpopulation, wouldn’t more people living alone in cabins in the woods and practicing beekeeping really be the step forward?

Pursuant to this revelation, will you be dismantling that mighty institution P.O.E.M., which has represented us so ably for so long? ’Cause I’m not sending back my hat.

Yours truly,

Kevin Convery

P.S. Thanks for everything so far, looking forward to more.

It feels good to be dressed down by a fellow English major, Kevin, and I trust you have found a good career explaining things to investors or teaching composition or whatever you find to do. If we meet, we can sit down and argue about this. I’ve forgotten every English course I took in college but I remember my Journalism Writing course with Robert Lindsay with its daily assignment and if you misspelled one word you received an F, no excuses. It makes a person a copyreader for life. The man was a Marine, he meant business.

GK

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Dear Garrison,

I know the question you asked was rhetorical, but as a polite former Midwesterner, I felt I had to answer. I have two left feet, so no dancing for me. I will never run for office, for obvious reasons. Before my career (in radio) I was a babysitter, gas pumper, car washer, bookkeeper, car hop, nurse aide, retail clerk, waitress, and other hard but thankless jobs. When I started in radio, I was expected to clean the bathroom and keep the station on the air. Radio got me to Oregon, radio got me into a Mickey Mouse Balloon, doing traffic reports over Portland. Radio got me a conversation with Ronald Reagan (don’t remember a word he said) and William Shatner (I remember every single word). Radio allowed me to live my fantasy. So again, thanks.

Susan Barr, Portland Oregon

Your earlier jobs gave you the grounding you needed to have a good time in radio and I hope you’re enjoying yourself today and tomorrow and for a long time to come. I’m much older than you, ancient in fact, and the beauty of being old is the freedom to please oneself. I love writing the twice-a-week column and doing the poems on the Writer’s Almanac and working on my novel Boom Town and a new book, which (surprise) is about the beauty of being old. Life is good, if you’re lucky, so remember to be lucky.

GK