Thanks. I live in Southern California and we try to keep the walking to a minimum! Btw, the trouble with Parkinson's in California is you're never sure that last tremor was a real earthquake or not.
P.S We've never met in person, but I was in the audience at the Hollywood Bowl for your "final" show, in Gettysburg when you read letters from Civil War soldiers on Dedication Day, and in Constitution Hall when President Clinton presented you the National Humanities Medal.
I remember the Bowl (thanks for putting "final" in quotes) and Gettysburg but I don't remember Constitution Hall. I wonder if you aren't confusing me with Bob Dylan.
It's probably your Minnesota modesty that's suppressing the memory, but you definitely got the Medal in September 1999. If you were a native-born New Yorker you'd probably wear the thing to the grocery store. I took photos but can't figure out how to post them here. You can find the pictures taken by the government photographer here:
Ricky Fowler sitting on a plane, sweating...he hates to fly, but he has to get to Rome to play in the Eye-talian open. Sudden commotion on the walkway from the terminal.In walks the Pope who plops down on the seat next to Ricky who is immediately becalmed. What ill fortune could possibly befall the flight with His Holiness aboard? Once airborne the pohavepe takes a crossword puzzle book from his bag and after rummaging around in the bag he asks Ricky for a pencil, which, of course, the best he could do was a golf pencil. The Pope thanked him and commenced puzzling. A half hour later he says to Ricky, "4 letter word, depicts a woman...blank-u-n-t. Ricky quickly decides he is not about to utter what comes to mind, especially considering who he is sitting next to. A few minutes later the answer pops into his head ... "Aunt!" he says to the Pope, "the answer is Aunt!" the Pope stares at his book for a moment and then asks, sheepishly, "Do you have an eraser?"
I guessed the punchline after:"The engineer who sees another engineer rolling a little pellet between his fingers", but I think it should be "polymer chemist" rather than "engineer".
My late mother told me a joke about an elderly lady who was complaining to a friend that the first thing she had to do when she went anywhere was to find out where the nearest restroom was. The friend didn't say anything so she asked, "Do you need to do that, too?" The reply: "Depends..."
The high school English teacher was going over The Canterbury Tales and saw one student turning pages faster than the others. The teacher walked up to the kid who was reading a science fiction comic inside his textbook, never even noticing the teacher standing near him. So the teacher walked back to his desk, took his copy of the Canterbury Tales and threw it at the kid, hitting him on the head. The startled student yelled, “What the hell was that!!??” The teacher responded, “Seems you prefer science fiction to English. You just got hit by a Flying Chaucer!!”
The high school English teacher was going over The Canterbury Tales and noticed one student turning pages faster than the others. The teacher walked up to the kid, who had a science fiction comic inside his textbook, never even noticing the teacher standing near him. The teacher walked back to his desk, took his copy of the Canterbury Tales and threw it toward the kid where it landed with a loud THWACK on his desk. The startled kid yelled, “What the hell was that!!??” The teacher responded, “Seems you prefer Science Fiction to English. You just got nailed by a Flying Chaucer!!”
The “hat” story is a favorite in my family. It’s partly a joke, partly a caution tale. We use it as a lighthearted reminder to be thankful for the blessings you have. We tell it as a Jewish joke (we are Jewish), and we deliver it like this:
A little boy is playing at the beach with his mother. Suddenly, an enormous wave comes and washes him away. The mother falls to her knees and begs, “Please, God, please! Bring back my son!” Just then, the clouds part, the sun fills the sky, the waves roll back, and there is her son! He’s sitting on the beach, safe and dry, not a hair touched on his head! The mother looks at her son, then looks up at the sky, and says, “He had a hat.”
Didja hear about the time Sven and Ole went deer hunting? They settled in behind a blind and enjoyed a bottle of whisky. After a while, Sven had to take a leak, doncha know. Meanwhile, Ole saw a deer and shot it. Too late, to his horror, he realized the deer was Sven. He started CPR and called 911 on his cell.
As the paramedics loaded Sven into the ambulance, Ole asked, "How about that CPR I gave him, eh? Pretty good, no?"
"Woulda worked better," the paramedic said, "if you hadn't cleaned and gutted him first."
Sven and Ole went deer hunting. They settled in behind a blind and enjoyed a bottle of whisky. After a while, Sven had to take a leak. Meanwhile, Ole saw a deer and shot it. Too late, to his horror, he realized the deer was Sven, so he quickly ran back to the car and called 911 on his cell saying, "I just shot Sven--what should I do?" The 911 operator says, "Go and check to see if he's dead." As he waits on the line he hears a BANG! and Ole comes back on and says, "OK, now what?"
Be careful of those hymnal comments - in fact mirth is also mentioned in "When morning gilds the skies" (#427), and I'm sure there may be other references to humor, but that's the first that comes to mind. And "God rest you merry (that must include a few jokes!), gentlemen."
I don't know if this is a joke, or a poem, or a combination. It came to me after the doc said I had Parkinson's.
WORD CHOICES
If the dementia don't getcha
Senility's a possibility.
Oh, wait. They're cinnamons.
Hope you find a Parkinson's near the clinic so you don't have to walk too far and maybe get lost.
Thanks. I live in Southern California and we try to keep the walking to a minimum! Btw, the trouble with Parkinson's in California is you're never sure that last tremor was a real earthquake or not.
P.S We've never met in person, but I was in the audience at the Hollywood Bowl for your "final" show, in Gettysburg when you read letters from Civil War soldiers on Dedication Day, and in Constitution Hall when President Clinton presented you the National Humanities Medal.
I remember the Bowl (thanks for putting "final" in quotes) and Gettysburg but I don't remember Constitution Hall. I wonder if you aren't confusing me with Bob Dylan.
It's probably your Minnesota modesty that's suppressing the memory, but you definitely got the Medal in September 1999. If you were a native-born New Yorker you'd probably wear the thing to the grocery store. I took photos but can't figure out how to post them here. You can find the pictures taken by the government photographer here:
https://neh.dspacedirect.org/items/2644a847-2d0f-4300-b701-926aefbb2982
(click on the image of the President and First Lady and then use the arrows on either side to scroll through the collection.
If you've misplaced the Medal, check the back of your socks drawer.
P.S. Dylan got the National Medal for the Arts 10 years later in 2009.
Ricky Fowler sitting on a plane, sweating...he hates to fly, but he has to get to Rome to play in the Eye-talian open. Sudden commotion on the walkway from the terminal.In walks the Pope who plops down on the seat next to Ricky who is immediately becalmed. What ill fortune could possibly befall the flight with His Holiness aboard? Once airborne the pohavepe takes a crossword puzzle book from his bag and after rummaging around in the bag he asks Ricky for a pencil, which, of course, the best he could do was a golf pencil. The Pope thanked him and commenced puzzling. A half hour later he says to Ricky, "4 letter word, depicts a woman...blank-u-n-t. Ricky quickly decides he is not about to utter what comes to mind, especially considering who he is sitting next to. A few minutes later the answer pops into his head ... "Aunt!" he says to the Pope, "the answer is Aunt!" the Pope stares at his book for a moment and then asks, sheepishly, "Do you have an eraser?"
I guessed the punchline after:"The engineer who sees another engineer rolling a little pellet between his fingers", but I think it should be "polymer chemist" rather than "engineer".
My late mother told me a joke about an elderly lady who was complaining to a friend that the first thing she had to do when she went anywhere was to find out where the nearest restroom was. The friend didn't say anything so she asked, "Do you need to do that, too?" The reply: "Depends..."
The high school English teacher was going over The Canterbury Tales and saw one student turning pages faster than the others. The teacher walked up to the kid who was reading a science fiction comic inside his textbook, never even noticing the teacher standing near him. So the teacher walked back to his desk, took his copy of the Canterbury Tales and threw it at the kid, hitting him on the head. The startled student yelled, “What the hell was that!!??” The teacher responded, “Seems you prefer science fiction to English. You just got hit by a Flying Chaucer!!”
Here is a revised, more PC version
The high school English teacher was going over The Canterbury Tales and noticed one student turning pages faster than the others. The teacher walked up to the kid, who had a science fiction comic inside his textbook, never even noticing the teacher standing near him. The teacher walked back to his desk, took his copy of the Canterbury Tales and threw it toward the kid where it landed with a loud THWACK on his desk. The startled kid yelled, “What the hell was that!!??” The teacher responded, “Seems you prefer Science Fiction to English. You just got nailed by a Flying Chaucer!!”
The “hat” story is a favorite in my family. It’s partly a joke, partly a caution tale. We use it as a lighthearted reminder to be thankful for the blessings you have. We tell it as a Jewish joke (we are Jewish), and we deliver it like this:
A little boy is playing at the beach with his mother. Suddenly, an enormous wave comes and washes him away. The mother falls to her knees and begs, “Please, God, please! Bring back my son!” Just then, the clouds part, the sun fills the sky, the waves roll back, and there is her son! He’s sitting on the beach, safe and dry, not a hair touched on his head! The mother looks at her son, then looks up at the sky, and says, “He had a hat.”
That's the way I know it, too!
Dr. Wayne Dyer told that on one of his pbs shows. The punchline was great the way he told it in an impatient tone," He was wearing a HAT"
Pretty sure your hymnal has Gold Frankincense and Mirth.
Good ones.
Didja hear about the time Sven and Ole went deer hunting? They settled in behind a blind and enjoyed a bottle of whisky. After a while, Sven had to take a leak, doncha know. Meanwhile, Ole saw a deer and shot it. Too late, to his horror, he realized the deer was Sven. He started CPR and called 911 on his cell.
As the paramedics loaded Sven into the ambulance, Ole asked, "How about that CPR I gave him, eh? Pretty good, no?"
"Woulda worked better," the paramedic said, "if you hadn't cleaned and gutted him first."
Alternative version:
Sven and Ole went deer hunting. They settled in behind a blind and enjoyed a bottle of whisky. After a while, Sven had to take a leak. Meanwhile, Ole saw a deer and shot it. Too late, to his horror, he realized the deer was Sven, so he quickly ran back to the car and called 911 on his cell saying, "I just shot Sven--what should I do?" The 911 operator says, "Go and check to see if he's dead." As he waits on the line he hears a BANG! and Ole comes back on and says, "OK, now what?"
Very entertaining ramble today, Mr. Keillor! May your weekend be filled with mirth!
Thanks for the laughs. Always good to overcome the doom and gloom purveyors.
OMG... 🤣🤣🤣 I'm going to pee my pants... The guy with the banana has it upside down... oh, right. Hershel is Jewish and therefore must have his hat...
Be careful of those hymnal comments - in fact mirth is also mentioned in "When morning gilds the skies" (#427), and I'm sure there may be other references to humor, but that's the first that comes to mind. And "God rest you merry (that must include a few jokes!), gentlemen."
Thank you for keeping it on the funny-side!
Great jokes.
Good morning, Garrison. A little late reading this posting but enjoyed laughing this Sunday morning. Thanks.