My mother insisted all the men in the family, (3 of us), sit down while peeing. For this I still thank her at 75. This bit of civilization has made my life much easier and I never worry about pulling out my shirttails to hide the front of my pants. It has particularly proved invaluable as my prostate protests short stays at a urinal.
One of your best “rants” ever Old Scout. But I'm a biased judge who knows from personal experience the skill needed to don unda-pants while standing at age 80. And yes, I sit to pee. You forgot to mention one detail in your description of what you “do” (standing before audiences, telling corny jokes, singing, voicing your recollections, writing good books, etc.). The missing fact is that you made a FORTUNE doing your schtick.
When I started reading this I was going to copy it and read it to my small bridge group this morning. Then as I read on I decided TMI, not for me but for them who might not be familiar with your writings. I could identify but TMI for them.
You just made my case for one of the top 10 reasons for living in the country, outdoor peeing. Step outside and free-willy. Complete, uninhibited and arguably healthier.
I cannot stress this enough, your writing is helping me to age with grace because somehow I am programmed to age and get cranky and intolerant. Thank you so much.
Some thoughts on todays column:
Do not give up on the idea of putting on your underwear while standing up. Modern gyms are amazing places. If you go to one, ask for a training routine that will give you the flexibility and strength to minimize the risks of putting on your underwear. They will smile at first, but once they detect your seriousness they will help you realize your goal. Or, you could just fold and put your underwear on while sitting down.
I thought I had good and considerate male peeing habits. I was wrong. Recently my wife pointed out that I was leaving dribbles on the ground outside of the toilet. I was totally unaware. Well, son of a gun, my 64 year old penis does not work like it used to. So many surprises my parents never told me about. Anyway, what I discovered is that I have to put my shins up against the front of the toilet so my penis is right over the toilet. This way any dribbles go directly into the toilet. Problem solved. No need to sit down, unless you really need to.
Finally, peeing in the shower. Stand your ground on this one. Just make sure the water runs for several minutes after you are done.
So there you go, some thoughts are from an old Adirondack mountain goat that has moved to Southern Mississippi. Not sure if these thoughts would be appealing to New York City professional literary folks such as yourself.
It isn’t just males who turn dressing into a gymnastic challenge. I have always taken inordinate pride in stepping into panties, socks, tights and boots without any assistance. However, I challenge anyone to put on compression socks without sitting down ; it’s an heroic struggle to get the damn things on. And if you don’t know what compression socks are, just look up deep vein thrombosis.
At age 87, it is now 8:27am where I live and I'm about to go to the shower where I will do exactly what you describe and afterwards will try to put on my undershorts. It will be harder at first because my feet will still be a bit damp and this will cause them to get hung up in the folds of the shorts. Holding on to a shower bar will help and eventually I'll have them on before parading back to the bedroom in front of the aide who is here daily to help my female partner who is 89 and needs such assistance. Life is OK but old age is not for sissies as the saying goes. Consider yourself very lucky that you have a younger partner who can insist on your abiding by normal standards for not peeing on the bathroom facilities. I once took a father and son trip to a YMCA camp in the woods of Canada sleeping in a wooden cabin with a dozen others. At night when getting up to pee, I went outside and let it go against the side of said cabin. My dad, in the morning, gave me a severe dressing down for waking everyone up with the noise thus created. A nearby tree then served the purpose rather than acting like a drum head.
This column was meant for me, to laugh and forward to my beloved to read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest - his wife also encourages sitting and tends to great annoyance at stepping in it in socks or bare feet. My plan was to age gracefully - now it is reduced to staying upright and keep a sense of humor. I too know the ignominy of wobbling whilst donning drawers. The women in my family live long, so it is vital I joyfully embrace the next 40 years, God willing, and spread love and cheer along the way.
After a spinal fusion surgery I found that I didn't have the "torque" in my back while perched on the ceramic throne to be able to reach around behind me and do the necessary cleaning. A bidet was quickly ordered and installed, featuring heated seat and customized spray. In a moment of revelation, I sat in warm comfort to pee one morning and thought, "Why didn't women tell us sooner how enjoyable it was to sit and pee?" Since then I am a true convert and have ceased standing to void!
"...You skate forward, like running, then swivel and suddenly you’re dancing, doing a cross-step pattern, and I, never an athlete, suddenly felt astonished by grace. A lonely stretch of river, nobody else around, it wasn’t for show but for the feeling of freedom, like a bird in flight or a fish leaping the rapids. Or a man in a shower." A-Men, Garrisson... AH-Men, Ahhhhh -men! You nailed it. As you so often and marvellously, did, do and will do. xxxx
Dr. Tom, but the harmless one. Just saying, "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning." It's amazing how well this works, since very few have called me back over the years. I did have to call my friendly, experienced doc some years back when I couldn't go....period, let alone pee on the innards of our tiolent bowel. Nothing came forward, and I mean NOTHING! But by the morrow, I put any other little pisser to shame.I think it covered David, too. But that I have forgone.He looks too sure of himself to spray across the room. Once I could not go and then had to drive the longest 7 miles ever to the Emergency Room where the nurse said she had done these blind-folded. I wanted to do it quickly. It was. But then later it had to to be removed...so "Move over David." The arc is better.
A friend told me he didn’t have to be in his eighties for his wife to demand he sat on the toilet for bladder emptying. The humiliation isn’t limited to those of older age, my friend says.
Although I am a much younger man than you - 80 - I have found it progressively more challenging to put on my underwear. Where once I could stand on one leg for as long as it took without risking serious bodily injury, now I find help where I can to accomplish the task.
As for the urinating thing, probably the most artful method in my memory was a technique developed in Vietnam. We had things called "piss tubes" buried in the ground. The tubes were mortar round containers serving double duty. One could stand in a dignified manner, rifle slung over the shoulder, and let go. A truly freeing experience.
Happy days to you and your many delights found in common places.
My mother insisted all the men in the family, (3 of us), sit down while peeing. For this I still thank her at 75. This bit of civilization has made my life much easier and I never worry about pulling out my shirttails to hide the front of my pants. It has particularly proved invaluable as my prostate protests short stays at a urinal.
At least you hit the bathtub.
One of your best “rants” ever Old Scout. But I'm a biased judge who knows from personal experience the skill needed to don unda-pants while standing at age 80. And yes, I sit to pee. You forgot to mention one detail in your description of what you “do” (standing before audiences, telling corny jokes, singing, voicing your recollections, writing good books, etc.). The missing fact is that you made a FORTUNE doing your schtick.
When I started reading this I was going to copy it and read it to my small bridge group this morning. Then as I read on I decided TMI, not for me but for them who might not be familiar with your writings. I could identify but TMI for them.
You just made my case for one of the top 10 reasons for living in the country, outdoor peeing. Step outside and free-willy. Complete, uninhibited and arguably healthier.
B D Petersen
Garrison,
I cannot stress this enough, your writing is helping me to age with grace because somehow I am programmed to age and get cranky and intolerant. Thank you so much.
Some thoughts on todays column:
Do not give up on the idea of putting on your underwear while standing up. Modern gyms are amazing places. If you go to one, ask for a training routine that will give you the flexibility and strength to minimize the risks of putting on your underwear. They will smile at first, but once they detect your seriousness they will help you realize your goal. Or, you could just fold and put your underwear on while sitting down.
I thought I had good and considerate male peeing habits. I was wrong. Recently my wife pointed out that I was leaving dribbles on the ground outside of the toilet. I was totally unaware. Well, son of a gun, my 64 year old penis does not work like it used to. So many surprises my parents never told me about. Anyway, what I discovered is that I have to put my shins up against the front of the toilet so my penis is right over the toilet. This way any dribbles go directly into the toilet. Problem solved. No need to sit down, unless you really need to.
Finally, peeing in the shower. Stand your ground on this one. Just make sure the water runs for several minutes after you are done.
So there you go, some thoughts are from an old Adirondack mountain goat that has moved to Southern Mississippi. Not sure if these thoughts would be appealing to New York City professional literary folks such as yourself.
It isn’t just males who turn dressing into a gymnastic challenge. I have always taken inordinate pride in stepping into panties, socks, tights and boots without any assistance. However, I challenge anyone to put on compression socks without sitting down ; it’s an heroic struggle to get the damn things on. And if you don’t know what compression socks are, just look up deep vein thrombosis.
With knees that creak
A heart that skips a beat
A mind will sometimes fail
And still we set sail
Because if we suddenly stop
We just may go kerplop.
GK leads this alternative band
And we go forward hand in hand.
At age 87, it is now 8:27am where I live and I'm about to go to the shower where I will do exactly what you describe and afterwards will try to put on my undershorts. It will be harder at first because my feet will still be a bit damp and this will cause them to get hung up in the folds of the shorts. Holding on to a shower bar will help and eventually I'll have them on before parading back to the bedroom in front of the aide who is here daily to help my female partner who is 89 and needs such assistance. Life is OK but old age is not for sissies as the saying goes. Consider yourself very lucky that you have a younger partner who can insist on your abiding by normal standards for not peeing on the bathroom facilities. I once took a father and son trip to a YMCA camp in the woods of Canada sleeping in a wooden cabin with a dozen others. At night when getting up to pee, I went outside and let it go against the side of said cabin. My dad, in the morning, gave me a severe dressing down for waking everyone up with the noise thus created. A nearby tree then served the purpose rather than acting like a drum head.
This column was meant for me, to laugh and forward to my beloved to read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest - his wife also encourages sitting and tends to great annoyance at stepping in it in socks or bare feet. My plan was to age gracefully - now it is reduced to staying upright and keep a sense of humor. I too know the ignominy of wobbling whilst donning drawers. The women in my family live long, so it is vital I joyfully embrace the next 40 years, God willing, and spread love and cheer along the way.
For your viewing: A wonderful local restaurant: Mannequin Pis: https://www.mannequinpis.com/ Real Belgian beer, mussels, etc. AND the statue.....
After a spinal fusion surgery I found that I didn't have the "torque" in my back while perched on the ceramic throne to be able to reach around behind me and do the necessary cleaning. A bidet was quickly ordered and installed, featuring heated seat and customized spray. In a moment of revelation, I sat in warm comfort to pee one morning and thought, "Why didn't women tell us sooner how enjoyable it was to sit and pee?" Since then I am a true convert and have ceased standing to void!
"...You skate forward, like running, then swivel and suddenly you’re dancing, doing a cross-step pattern, and I, never an athlete, suddenly felt astonished by grace. A lonely stretch of river, nobody else around, it wasn’t for show but for the feeling of freedom, like a bird in flight or a fish leaping the rapids. Or a man in a shower." A-Men, Garrisson... AH-Men, Ahhhhh -men! You nailed it. As you so often and marvellously, did, do and will do. xxxx
Dr. Tom, but the harmless one. Just saying, "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning." It's amazing how well this works, since very few have called me back over the years. I did have to call my friendly, experienced doc some years back when I couldn't go....period, let alone pee on the innards of our tiolent bowel. Nothing came forward, and I mean NOTHING! But by the morrow, I put any other little pisser to shame.I think it covered David, too. But that I have forgone.He looks too sure of himself to spray across the room. Once I could not go and then had to drive the longest 7 miles ever to the Emergency Room where the nurse said she had done these blind-folded. I wanted to do it quickly. It was. But then later it had to to be removed...so "Move over David." The arc is better.
A friend told me he didn’t have to be in his eighties for his wife to demand he sat on the toilet for bladder emptying. The humiliation isn’t limited to those of older age, my friend says.
Although I am a much younger man than you - 80 - I have found it progressively more challenging to put on my underwear. Where once I could stand on one leg for as long as it took without risking serious bodily injury, now I find help where I can to accomplish the task.
As for the urinating thing, probably the most artful method in my memory was a technique developed in Vietnam. We had things called "piss tubes" buried in the ground. The tubes were mortar round containers serving double duty. One could stand in a dignified manner, rifle slung over the shoulder, and let go. A truly freeing experience.
Happy days to you and your many delights found in common places.