You've rescued many among our gender this coming Monday's Fest of Love, Garrison. Your Valentine verse would not help me, however, given that it's clear and straightforward and clever, and the number of rhyming syllables match up.
Many of us guys might strive to pen such a limerick as yours. Not me. For she would know it's not me. You toss those clever aabba stanzas like picked roses with the thorns clipped. I would print and clip out yours above, but forget to clip of clues on whose it truly is.
In my younger years, I wrote her short poems a la T. S. Eliot, or so I thought with my "Go, go said the bird," Good birds should stay in the nest. I also included a couple of closing stanzas a la G. M. Hopkins that did excite me if not her, like "God's Grandeur," which is filled with potent love: "It will flame out, like shining from shook foil; It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil..." and such.
I'm fooling no one but myself, of course, but my effort is what seems to matter most to her, now. She knows it's a purloined poem to her...and also included the last box of chocolates I could find at the drugstore.
I was reminded of my stepsister's wedding, 39 years ago, and yes, they are still married. Both promised to love, honor, and protect, and I thought: Yes! Wives do protect their husbands, from everything from unwanted phone calls to too much cholesterol. Your wife may not have promised to protect you, but clearly she does. May she do so for many years to come.
Despite being a romantic, I've never been a fan of the manufactured "Valentine's Day", yet, I play along for my own well being. Like you, I find all these red and pink day trimmings rather garish and bear a sense of urgency. I chuckle at the hoards of men and women who stand in front of the thousands of greeting cards at Walmart, looking hopelessly for the card that has the perfect script written sentiment inside at the cost of a fine meal at a decent eatery. Men look for the funny ones that say things like....
"I'm so happy that you don't mind when I fart in bed"
And women look for the ones that make them cry that say...
"You mean the world to me...
Without you I am nothing but a fool...
...The world has no meaning....
and I would die sad and lonely"
I grab the first one I see that says...
"To my lovely wife..... you are my one and only"
I sign it "I love you Always", with some fancy squiggles and slashes and done. Of course she always gets a whimsical card from the dogs and cats. One that I write all their names in with my left hand so it looks like a 3-year-old wrote it. It's silly but it always goes over well.
The gift however..... now that is where you either live or die. This cannot come from Walmart. I cannot be contained within red or pink packaging and for the love of God, do not encase the gift within bright red wrapping paper with chubby little cherubs pointing arrows in various poses. Cute perhaps but it screams "That's all they had left at Walmart". Spare yourself and put it in a gift bag surrounded by white tissue paper and peanut M&M's or whatever her favorite candy is.
The gift must be something she'd never expect, something that indicates you gave it some thought and expresses that you were doing so with her in mind. Ladies, he just wants another toy or something that goes with his current stock of toys. We're men, we're not difficult.
Don't take her to dinner, make her dinner. Do the dishes, make the bed, get her a pillow for her feet. Fetch her a cup of coffee or tea while she watches the figure skating and gasps as those twigs on blades who do a quintazillion spin flying bazooka flippy thing and then slam to the ice. Hand her the cup, give her a peck on the forehead and say "I love you". Then point at the figure skater in their rather revealing skin tight outfit as they flop on the ice and say "I can do that too you know..... The flop on the ice part, not the other stuff". And yes, make her laugh too.
When it comes to taking careful aim, I’d like to offer this public service announcement. It is legal in all fifty states and Canada for men to sit when they pee. What’s the rush to go zip, pee zip? Drop your drawers gentleman, have a seat and don’t risk having bad aim.
This is especially good advice for older fellas who run the risk of micturition syncope (blacking-out while pissing upright) with the obvious consequence on falling into the toilet. Men have died . Look it up.
I enjoyed and agreed with every single word in your Valentines post. I am, in fact, a much better human being because my wife tells me no when my reach is preparing to exceed my grasp, and pulls me up when I am down, a supports me when (for the life of me) I cannot tell why. But your post fails to answer at least one question I have pondered for years: Why is Valentines primarily an event for males to fret about and make the effort? It does take two to tango. I begrudge none of it, my wife deserves every little thing I might do and more. Much more. I do have a thought or two on the matter but am convinced you might offer a more penetrating perspective than I am able to render.
"That's about the size, where you put your eyes..."
Our Dear Host's reminder to men seems to come from a man who thinks all men are like him. With a thoughtful, attentive, verbal spouse who, by his frequent self- reports, pays attention to his wife 366 days a year, the symbolic Valentine's Day gifts may seem superfluous. She knows you love her - she ought to be content.
On the other hand, as one of the wives who were under the impression that "He hasn't heard a word I've said all year!" , the requisite heart-shaped box of candy and bouquet of roses presented yearly by my ex seemed more as if they were carrying the message "OOPS! Maybe I should say something, Huh?"
By self-report, at least, Dear Host, you spend 365 (+) days a year modelling the "Idea Spouse!" It could be that APHC spouses all over the planet are better at playing the "marriage game" because of your role model!
And, as far as "the kids in the classroom" go, I wouldn't be surprised if you're silently receiving hundreds of thousands, if not billions, of personalized cards, in thought, anyway, each and every Valentine's Day! You can count mine among them! Happy Valentine's Day! XOXOXOXOXOXO!
You've rescued many among our gender this coming Monday's Fest of Love, Garrison. Your Valentine verse would not help me, however, given that it's clear and straightforward and clever, and the number of rhyming syllables match up.
Many of us guys might strive to pen such a limerick as yours. Not me. For she would know it's not me. You toss those clever aabba stanzas like picked roses with the thorns clipped. I would print and clip out yours above, but forget to clip of clues on whose it truly is.
In my younger years, I wrote her short poems a la T. S. Eliot, or so I thought with my "Go, go said the bird," Good birds should stay in the nest. I also included a couple of closing stanzas a la G. M. Hopkins that did excite me if not her, like "God's Grandeur," which is filled with potent love: "It will flame out, like shining from shook foil; It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil..." and such.
I'm fooling no one but myself, of course, but my effort is what seems to matter most to her, now. She knows it's a purloined poem to her...and also included the last box of chocolates I could find at the drugstore.
I was reminded of my stepsister's wedding, 39 years ago, and yes, they are still married. Both promised to love, honor, and protect, and I thought: Yes! Wives do protect their husbands, from everything from unwanted phone calls to too much cholesterol. Your wife may not have promised to protect you, but clearly she does. May she do so for many years to come.
I love you... thank you so much for your sincere silliness. It is very much appreciated here.
Despite being a romantic, I've never been a fan of the manufactured "Valentine's Day", yet, I play along for my own well being. Like you, I find all these red and pink day trimmings rather garish and bear a sense of urgency. I chuckle at the hoards of men and women who stand in front of the thousands of greeting cards at Walmart, looking hopelessly for the card that has the perfect script written sentiment inside at the cost of a fine meal at a decent eatery. Men look for the funny ones that say things like....
"I'm so happy that you don't mind when I fart in bed"
And women look for the ones that make them cry that say...
"You mean the world to me...
Without you I am nothing but a fool...
...The world has no meaning....
and I would die sad and lonely"
I grab the first one I see that says...
"To my lovely wife..... you are my one and only"
I sign it "I love you Always", with some fancy squiggles and slashes and done. Of course she always gets a whimsical card from the dogs and cats. One that I write all their names in with my left hand so it looks like a 3-year-old wrote it. It's silly but it always goes over well.
The gift however..... now that is where you either live or die. This cannot come from Walmart. I cannot be contained within red or pink packaging and for the love of God, do not encase the gift within bright red wrapping paper with chubby little cherubs pointing arrows in various poses. Cute perhaps but it screams "That's all they had left at Walmart". Spare yourself and put it in a gift bag surrounded by white tissue paper and peanut M&M's or whatever her favorite candy is.
The gift must be something she'd never expect, something that indicates you gave it some thought and expresses that you were doing so with her in mind. Ladies, he just wants another toy or something that goes with his current stock of toys. We're men, we're not difficult.
Don't take her to dinner, make her dinner. Do the dishes, make the bed, get her a pillow for her feet. Fetch her a cup of coffee or tea while she watches the figure skating and gasps as those twigs on blades who do a quintazillion spin flying bazooka flippy thing and then slam to the ice. Hand her the cup, give her a peck on the forehead and say "I love you". Then point at the figure skater in their rather revealing skin tight outfit as they flop on the ice and say "I can do that too you know..... The flop on the ice part, not the other stuff". And yes, make her laugh too.
Dear Garrison
When it comes to taking careful aim, I’d like to offer this public service announcement. It is legal in all fifty states and Canada for men to sit when they pee. What’s the rush to go zip, pee zip? Drop your drawers gentleman, have a seat and don’t risk having bad aim.
This is especially good advice for older fellas who run the risk of micturition syncope (blacking-out while pissing upright) with the obvious consequence on falling into the toilet. Men have died . Look it up.
A geezer in Sacramento
Dear Garrison -
I enjoyed and agreed with every single word in your Valentines post. I am, in fact, a much better human being because my wife tells me no when my reach is preparing to exceed my grasp, and pulls me up when I am down, a supports me when (for the life of me) I cannot tell why. But your post fails to answer at least one question I have pondered for years: Why is Valentines primarily an event for males to fret about and make the effort? It does take two to tango. I begrudge none of it, my wife deserves every little thing I might do and more. Much more. I do have a thought or two on the matter but am convinced you might offer a more penetrating perspective than I am able to render.
Mike
"That's about the size, where you put your eyes..."
Our Dear Host's reminder to men seems to come from a man who thinks all men are like him. With a thoughtful, attentive, verbal spouse who, by his frequent self- reports, pays attention to his wife 366 days a year, the symbolic Valentine's Day gifts may seem superfluous. She knows you love her - she ought to be content.
On the other hand, as one of the wives who were under the impression that "He hasn't heard a word I've said all year!" , the requisite heart-shaped box of candy and bouquet of roses presented yearly by my ex seemed more as if they were carrying the message "OOPS! Maybe I should say something, Huh?"
By self-report, at least, Dear Host, you spend 365 (+) days a year modelling the "Idea Spouse!" It could be that APHC spouses all over the planet are better at playing the "marriage game" because of your role model!
And, as far as "the kids in the classroom" go, I wouldn't be surprised if you're silently receiving hundreds of thousands, if not billions, of personalized cards, in thought, anyway, each and every Valentine's Day! You can count mine among them! Happy Valentine's Day! XOXOXOXOXOXO!